Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts

the life of brian

is an excellent screenplay by Monty Python (isbn 0-413-74130-3). As usual I'm going to quote from a few pages:

Why aren't women allowed to go to stonings, Mum?
Because it's written, that's why.

Jaguar's ear lobes. Wolf nipple chips. Gem 'em while they're hot. They're lovely. Dromedary pretzels, only half a dinar. Tuscany fried bat.

The People's Front of Judea fucking gets things done!

What's this then? 'Romanes Eunt Domus'?
It says 'Romans go home'.
No it doesn't. What's the Latin for Romans? Come on … come on

And what have they ever given us in return?
The aqueduct?

Oh … I'll give you nineteen then.
No, no. Do it properly.
What?
Haggle properly. This isn't worth nineteen.
But you just said it was worth twenty.
…
Eighteen?
No, no, no. You go to fourteen now.
Fourteen.
Fourteen, are you joking?

Siblings!! Let us not be disheartened. One total catastrophe like this is just the beginning!

What is the secret?
Leave me alone.
Yes! Tell us the secret!
What is the secret?
is is the secret of Eternal Life?

Look … you've got it all wrong. You don't need to follow me. You don't need to follow anybody. You've got to think for yourselves. You're all individuals.
Yes, we're all individuals.
You're all different.
Yes, we are all different.

Always look on the bright side of life.


smell-driven development

After much research by our scientists I can finally report a major advance in software methodology - smell driven development.

Our scientists have perfected a set of software metrics which accurately monitor the health of your software. These metrics are gathered in real time by our patented custom SmellWare servers. Each SmellWare server (prices to be announced shortly) is connected via USB to three glass vials and a sophisticated spray-atomizer.
  • When the metrics read by the SmellWare server indicate your software is in a poor state, the atomizer will spray scent from the first glass vial.
  • When the metrics indicate a further deterioration, the atomizer will spray scent from the second glass vial.
  • When the metrics indicate a really disgusting codebase, the atomizer will spray scent from the third glass vial.
By choosing smells with an increasing tendency to get on the developers' olfactory nerves you can "visualize" the state of your codebase in a way that cannot be ignored!

The genius of this approach is that smell, being the oldest sense, has had the longest to evolve. The olfactory sense is, at the same time, both the most primitive sense and the most sophisticated. Even in humans about 1 in 50 genes is devoted to smell-related protein receptors!

Our odour scientists have studied the four aspects of threshold and tolerance; odour concentration, odour intensity, odour quality, and hedonic tone, and after extensive field testing the first (cheese based) vials are ready.
  • Vial 1 (Yellow) is based on Pong-Leveque (Normandy) and is ranked "distinct, strong, and unpleasant" on the Odour Awareness scale.
  • Vial 2 (Amber) is based on Epoisses de Pieds (Southern Italy) and is ranked "very strong, liable to cause rashes and sore eyes". (Epoisses de Pieds is banned from public transport in Italy).
  • Vial 3 (Red) is based on Peixe-Podre et Meia (Northern Portugal) and is ranked "intolerable, liable to cause vomiting, diahorrea, and heart attacks". (Peixe-Podre et Meia is based on Blue-vein Smegma which had a 97% mortality rate before the EU made its manufacture a federal offense punishable by 25 years imprisonment.)
Believe us when we tell you that once your developers have experienced Peixe-Podre et Meia (Red) they will never again sit idly by while your codebase is merely in Epoisses de Pieds (Amber) state!

THE Secret of Scrum

This is another fragment of the ALE conference lightning talk I did. It again follows on from Jerry Weinberg's quote:

No other observation skill may be more important to software engineering than precision listening.

I've tried to become a much better listener in recent years. An active listener. One of the things I've noticed is that software developers are somewhat prone to treat things as being black and white. True or false. Right or wrong. This is perhaps not so surprising for several reasons. Anyway, the point of the clip is not really to poke fun at Scrum, but to highlight the use of the word THE.



Just one more thing

is an excellent book by Peter Falk (isbn 978-0-099-50955-4). As usual I'm going to quote from a few pages
My object is to keep you awake.
I didn't stay in college the full four years. I quit after three months and joined the Merchant Marines. Men with one eye were not drafted and in the Merchant Marines they were not allowed to work on deck or below deck, but they could work in the kitchen. I sailed out as third cook. My specialty was pork chops.
About the third time I was late, even before I hit my seat, LaGallienne froze me with a question: "Why are you always late?" I said I had to drive down from Hartford. She asked coldly, "What do you do there? There are no theatres in Hartford. How do you make a living?" I told the truth. "I'm not an actor." She snapped back "Well you should be, now sit down."
I remember vividly that particular performance when for the first time I was suddenly startled by a new totally unexpected sound - a rich, deep authentic snore. Holy jamolies. There is someone on this stage that is sleeping - really sleeping.
I have never been arrested in the United States but I have been arrested in Paris, Moscow, Havana, Genoa, Belgrade, and Trieste.
Did he want to be buried or cremated? His answer to them was brief - "Surprise me."
"Here and there you'll find a raisin."
I was struck very early by the dramatic possibilities of playing a man who housed within himself two opposite traits.
For me The Princess Bride was a movie without a blemish, perfect for both kids and adults.

public: footpath

You know you know C++ when you see a sign like this and you think, "there's a colon missing after public."

Increase visibility

My sister Alix and I were chatting about work-related stupidity we'd imagined and experienced. Strict quotas on how much time you're allowed for going to the toilet for example. Naturally the time-allowed for no 2's would be longer than the time allowed for no 1s. But how would the managers police the quotas? The answer, we realized, was specialist plumbing. Take out the old copper pipes and put in clear perspex pipes instead. Plumb them through the managers office, at eye level. Purpose built hardware probes, available at reasonable cost, would measure the volume of shit. The probes would wirelessly connect to ShitLogger (tm) an app for monitoring the volume of shit against the quotas. To log the logs, as it were.

No abstraction



Years ago, when my children were still at primary school I was asked to dress up as santa. I stuffed a few cushions under a big red santa costume, lalloped into the room where all the bright eyed kids were waiting, and after a few ho ho ho's I said

Do you know who I am?

to which one of the kids at the back shouted

You're Patrick's Dad.

Kids are great like that.
They're so direct.
They say it exactly as they see it.

Utility surprises

One of these photos is of the cutlery drawer. I know exactly what it contains: knives, forks, and spoons. Its the cutlery drawer. It's name tells you what to expect when you open it.


The other photo is of.... well it doesn't really have a name in our house - it's just "the drawer" - but it's what Michael McInyre hilariously calls the man-drawer (start at 1 minute 30 seconds). I thought it would be interesting to see what's in it:

  • keys, 15, of which only 4 have a known current use
  • plastic coin bank bags, 5, all empty
  • glue, 4 x super-glue, 2 x glue-stick, 1 x bostik, 3 still usable
  • pens, 4 black, 1 grey, 1 red, a few still usable
  • spanners, 1 x 7/16", 1 x 10mm
  • chalk, 1, yellow, an escapee, we have a chalk box elsewhere
  • radiator bleeding keys, 1 yellow, 1 red, 1 black
  • drill chuck key, so that's where it is!
  • drill bits, 3, I never knew they were there
  • tape, 1 x sellotape, 1 x black electricians - aha, useful, pilfered for fishing
  • paper clips, about 50, loose, box-escapees
  • drawing pins, about 100, loose, box-escapees, be careful when rummaging
  • string, ah yes, would have been handy a few days ago
  • screwdrivers, 1 x 7" blue thin phillips, 3 x 4" watchmakers, plus 3 x 2" from an xmas cracker - never used, put in the drawer simply to keep the other screwdrivers company
  • screws, a few, loose, also keeping the screwdrivers company
  • tape measures, 1 x blue plastic non retractable, 2 x orange metal retractable, 1 x yellow metal retractable, clearly excess tape measures have been purchased when existing ones were temporarily lost
  • matchbox, large, half full
  • electrical lead, black, unknown use


Once you start a "utility" drawer it has an unstoppable force. All things can then be classified as being possibly of utility. It becomes a magnet for all things. If utility-drawers could expand infinitely they would turn into black-holes and consume everything in the known universe.


If you have a utility-drawer, unless it was born very recently in a house you've just moved into, it's almost certain to be completely full. Frequently you can't even close the utility-drawer because it's so full. When this happens a second immutable law kicks in - taking anything out of the utility-drawer is strictly forbidden. Possible work-arounds include brute-force drawer closure, crushing items flat, and jiggling the whole utility-drawer in a kind of simulated-annealing fashion in a vain attempt to get everything to settle down a bit.


Once your utility-drawer is full it will bud out into new forms. For example, I also have a utility-tin (batteries of indeterminate age live here), a utility-folder (instructions for 10 year old appliances live here), and a utility-cabinet (coins from out of circulation currencies live here). Michael would be proud.



Augustine's Laws

is an excellent book by Norman Augustine (isbn 0-670-80942-X). As usual I'm going to quote from a few pages.

First the serious quotes:
To finish first you must first finish.
Little did the Greeks know - the universe actually consists of Earth, fire, water, and software.
The budgeting process resists change.
If you want it bad you get it bad.
We can overcome gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming. [Wernher von Braun]
The objective in business, however, is to measure how many undertakings are completed - not how many can be started.
reliability… must be designed into the product by the designer and built into it by the manufacturer - it cannot be inculcated by the quality department.
…the parts which break… are always the ones located in the most inaccessible places. Therefore, only a few mechanics are able to crowd around them simultaneously.
Managers must have the discipline not to keep pulling up the flowers to see if their roots are healthy [Robert Townsend]
and second the funny quotes:
Anybody can have an off decade.
...turned out to be the earliest they had ever been late.
Our team is well balanced - we have problems everywhere.
…trying to leap deep chasms in two bounds.
If it weren't for bad luck he'd have no luck at all.
It's like sending lettuce by rabbit.
There was good news and there was bad news. The good news was that management was buying everyone on the assembly line a turkey for Christmas. The bad news was that they had only ordered ten turkeys.
A knife without a blade, for which the handle is missing. [Lichtenberg]
Lord Barnetson, chairman of the London Observer, has had attributed to him the following anecdote about how a management critic would review Schubert's Unfinished Symphony:
  • It appears that for a considerable period of time the four oboe players had nothing to do. The number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra...
  • All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication and the staff of the section should be drastically cut...
  • Much effort was absorbed in the playing of demisemi-quavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver...
  • No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that had already been handled by the strings...

Not agile

My friend Olve Maudal from Tandberg (now part of Cisco) gave me this fridge magnet. The caption reads "Unfortunately, by the time Rupert's mother had finished knitting his outfit, the war was over." I love it. Thanks Olve.

Air-luggage

I went to the excellent Agile Cambridge conference recently. At breakfast one morning I was chatting to Julian Fitzell and Jason Ayers and we got to discussing luggage when flying. I always take nothing but hand-luggage. However, it's true that checking luggage into the hold does have some advantages. I think you're viewed with increased suspicion if you fly long haul with only hand-luggage. That's certainly the impression I sometimes get when flying with just hand-luggage to Melbourne say. And for another the airline has a much greater incentive to ensure you make your flight if you've checked luggage into the hold. Otherwise they have to resort to a round of luggage-rummage to remove your bags.

We had a lot fun designing a potential solution. Simply check in an empty suitcase! But it would be very inconvenient carrying an empty suitcase just to check it in. So how about an inflatable suitcase! A self blow-up suitcase would be too inconvenient so it would have to contain a cartridge which you cracked open, mixing two chemicals and causing an expansion of gases. It could double as something to sit on too.

Airline companies have limits on the heaviness of luggage but we can't imagine they have limits on its lightness. But lightness could cause problems. We wouldn't want an unsuspecting luggage-handler falling over backwards trying to lift super-light air-luggage imagining it was normal heaviness. So we might have to put on stickers "Warning: Very Light". If the airlines introduced a minimum weight we might have to add weights pre-sealed inside the air-luggage. We could add words cast in metal to give the x-ray machine handlers something to read!

As well as a basic air-suitcase we can imagine some deluxe versions along with several spin off products. An executive version which, when inflated, includes a non-retractable carrying handle and non-wheeling wheels. And a selection of self-attach stickers naming various exotic foreign destinations such as Hawaii, Alaska, and Antarctica. And of course, there is huge potential for air luggage in shapes other than plain suitcases. A guitar for example. A true air-guitar.

Naturally the air-luggage would come pre-manufactured with a fake luggage tag. The address on all the tags would be the same - the factory where the air-luggage was made. That way we could reuse and recycle, reducing our costs and increasing our profits.

As a bonus we would actively look into ways of increasing the chance the airline lost your air-luggage. Each piece of air-luggage would come with lost-luggage claims-forms for all major airlines. These would be pre-filled-in by a sophisticated computer program enabling you to make a claim for all the lost air-items your air-luggage contained.

Ha ha

An old couple go to the doctors. The doctor says they are fine for their age but he's noticed they are starting to become more forgetful and suggests they write things down so they don't forget them. Back at home the husband asks the wife if she'd like anything to eat. "A bit of ice cream would be nice" she replies. Anything with it he adds. "Some chocolate sauce. And you'd better write it down or you'll forget". The husband says he doesn't need to write it down. "And a spinkling of nuts too" adds the wife. "And you'd better write it down". Again the husband is sure he doesn't need to write it down. "Oh and a cup of tea" adds the wife again. "You'd better write it down". Still he doesn't write it down. Of goes the husband to prepare the food. Fifteen minutes later he walks into the lounge with a lovely english breakfast on a plate: fried eggs, bacon, sausage, mushrooms, tomato. The wife looks at the plate and says "where's the toast?"